Driving DOs and DON'Ts, Stephen Colbert edition

Oh sure, you would all listen to Mother's every commandment and do it because I said so. I know that. But still, it never hurts to have video support from your favorite famous TV journalist, right? Right! So I was thrilled and grateful for this perfect scenario that illustrates a generous variety of salubrious driving DOs and DON'Ts. And it's very entertaining. Check it out...

The Colbert Report
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Wasn't that fun? Go ahead, watch it again. I'll wait.

I know you're all over it and easily identified every one, but it's my job, so let me just recap those DOs and DON'Ts for you. I mean DON'Ts and DOs.

• DON'T change lanes in the Lincoln Tunnel. Those are double yellow lines and this is not Vermont. Or Pennsylvania.
• DO wear your helmet. Good boy!
• DON'T pop wheelies in traffic. Or DO be careful - it does look like fun. 
• DO refrain from writing notes while you're driving. Good man!
• DON'T use your iPhone for videos or anything else while you're driving. EVER! Do you hear me? This means you! Every one of you. Stop it!! I mean it!!!
• DON'T make me tell you again!
• DO enjoy the antics of the other drivers in the tunnel, or on the bridge, or wherever.
• DON'T get mad at them. Or get even. And whatever you do, DON'T have road rage at them. Or you. 
• DO use your Rider Method to make up funny stories about them instead, like the jelly beans. How can you be mad at your fellow jelly beans?
• DON'T fail to watch the Colbert Report on Comedy Central at 11:30 whenever he isn't on vacation.
• DO use your DVR to save it for the following day after the news if you're too old to stay up that late.
• DON'T forget what Stephen and I said about the distractions. They are deadly. And we DON'T want you dead.
• DON'T believe me? Spend some quality time with this tragic collection of real life stories from D!STRACTION.GOV: 

The Faces of Distracted Driving. Hear the stories. Get the message.

• DO learn to laugh more, rage less and text never while you're driving. Immediately.
• DON'T forget that mother nags you about this stuff because she cares, not because she's crabby. And because that's what mothers do.

And if you see Stephen Colbert, give him a Cheery Wave :-) TGISC! 

Mother's belated (but shouldn't be) Back to School safety message

And why shouldn't it? Because school ought not to start before Labor Day. That's why. Any questions? Good, let's move on, beginning with the classics, like behaving prudently around school buses and in school zones and watching out for the kiddos wherever they are. Do NOT hit them! Ever!! If you could use a refresher, check out this list of Back to School Safety tips that was kindly published by the nice folks at AARP.

Are you wondering what back to school safety message would be complete without harping at least a little about NOT texting while driving? NOT this one! And since some other nice folks at BMW have kindly published a charming little video that makes the point much more beautifully than Mother ever could on her limited budget, she will gratefully take advantage of their generosity instead of making her own. Thanks, BMW!

For a nice change of pace, we're picking on the parents here instead of the teens, so as to be crystal clear that NOBODY of any age should be texting while driving. Period. Got it?

Let's finish up with a little driving-to-school safety quiz from Riders on the Road, shall we? Are you ready?

Here's an exercise in practical arrangement of your driving activities. See if you can find the flaw in the following morning routine:

1)      Buckle the kids into their seats securely

2)      Start the minivan

3)      Pull out in front of a nice lady in a red Subaru

4)      Wander along in slow motion, crossing the double yellow lines to and fro every now and then

5)      Wake up

6)      Turn into the elementary school parking lot

7)      Deliver the little tykes safely to school

What's out of place here? Right! I'd move step 5 up to first place, wouldn't you? That could eliminate steps 3 and 4 altogether and vastly increase the odds that 7 will be accomplished successfully. Good work!

Because there's always one more thing to nag you about, and this time it's drowsy driving. Seriously, you know I hate to pester you but it's my job, so I must. Would you like to hear it form the experts instead? Here you go ...

Now let's get some sleep! Nitey nite! And please, have a happy healthy and safe school year!

Seriously, has it been THAT LONG since Mother nagged you about distracted driving?

Yes, it's hard to believe, I know, but it has been far too long, and I can only imagine how disappointed you must be! Sometimes, when Mother's just too busy to come up with her own smarty pants advice, it's time to call in the professionals, so let's see what the ace Car Talk guys from Boston and NPR have to say about this:

Top 10 Signs You Should Pull Over Immediately

Did I tell you they were smart? Yes I did, in Chapter 10. It's OK if you forgot; I've been known to do that myself.

Could you use some more wicked smart car advice? Check out the Car Talk website:

Car Talk

You all have fun over there now, while I go make dinner.

Happy Trails!